Are you ready for some FOOTBALL???

I can't believe it is finally here. The beginning of football season. I am so stoked for next Thursday's season opener. Six years ago if you had asked me when the season opener of football was I would have laughed at you, I would have also laughed at you if you tried to get me to eat an onion, or a tomato or if you told me in 6 years not only would I be eating onions and tomatoes (amongst a whole slew of other things) but that I would not only know when the season opener in the NFL was, but that I'd be excited about it.

Yeah, it's ok, I used to be narrow minded, I know.

Ok, so maybe that hasn't changed...THAT much.

Shut up, this is my story.

Anyway, Brian; my husband is the reason for all the new and wonderful things that I have experienced over the last few years. And some of the really crappy ones too, like blood pudding and head cheese. Seriously? That shit should just not even have to be made. This isn't the 1800's there are better food choices people. Check into them, but anyway sorry...

Like I was saying, B and I were dating and he liked football and I laughed and said something incredibly deep and meaningful like: "football is stupid." With which he countered (and it wouldn't be the last time I heard these infamous words) "Have you tried it?"

Tried it, like it's some delicacy that I was missing out on. Seriously dude, it's football. It can't be that exciting.

But I luffed him so, less than I do today but still enough to sit down and say, ok...explain it to me. And we watched...and I learned...and I loved. And then just when I couldn't get enough he taught me about FANTASY FOOTBALL which is nearly as addicting as heroin I would guess...not that I would know, but I would guess. From what I've heard.

And the next thing I know my days and my weeks are consumed with football players and teams and their statistics. I love statistics. Did you know you can predict trends based on statistics? I am excellent at creating a spreadsheet to determine the likelihood that a team will give up more than such an amount rushing yards against a particular defense. It's creepy. And a bit nerdy. And a helluva lot of fun!

So now I've drafted one of my three fantasy football teams for this year and I can't wait for the players to take the field so I can sit in my recliner 3-4 days a week cursing and cheering each of MY respective players with every move they make. I love this game!

So tell me HAVE YOU TRIED IT???

Joke of the Day

Bradan has been on a joke telling kick. Most of them aren't funny because he's 4 and I'm not entirely sure he understands the whole idea of telling jokes, for instance:

Why did the birds eat the chickens?

Because of the humans!!!

Bwahahahaahaha..wha??? I laugh politely anyway cuz I luff my kid to death. These have been going on since last night and he's got one after another so this morning he says to me

How does a daddy eat a mommy?

(omg, I'm thinking to myself this could be dangerous...but surely he has NO IDEA what he's talking about...I should add we were laying in my bed and he was hiding under the covers while telling me this joke)

I don't know Bub, how does a daddy eat a mommy???


HE HIDES UNDER THE COVERS SO NO ONE WILL SEE!!!

and that my friends is how my 4 year old is going to get expelled from preschool. Thank you ladies and gentlemen you heard it here first. Don't forget to tip your waitresses, he'll be here all week!

Big Bad Football Players...

Dear Terrible Towel Waving Pittsburgh Steelers,

I wanted to share with you the insights into my 4 year old sons mind. You see we are a big football family, we LOVE our Indianapolis Colts. But beyond that we spend a lot of time watching football, more than most families. From 1pm until midnight every Sunday during football season we are planted in front of whichever game is on our Sunday Ticket at the time. Not to mention Mondays, and Thursdays...oh and now I guess there are the occasional Saturdays.

Bradan is a big football fan too. In fact last year while watching the Lions get their asses handed to them on a platter he screamed at the TV "FREAKIN DAMN LIONS." I have no idea where a then 3 year old would get such verbage but you know, in the world these days you just don't know where kids are hearing things. I assure you it did not come from his father, or myself. At least not on that particular play.

Last night while reviewing the preseason game scores and stats on the computer my darling Bradan was telling us what the teams were and what scores they had...for instance he told us about

the Lions



the GOOD PIRATES



the BAD Pirates



of course he recognized his "football Colts"




but then, you big and bad, rough and tough Pittsburgh Steelers. The meanest, biggest, most gruff and masculine team in football he told us the score in this game...

Apparently it was THE SPRINKLES



I don't know about you, but...I'm thinking this could hurt your reputation. You may want to look into a new more formidable logo. The next generation just isn't buying into what you've been selling!

5 minutes ago...

This conversation actually took place...

Bradan is jumping on the couch, which I yell at him for at least 3 times a day.

ME: Bradan come here.

(he walks around the couch to me, stops 10 feet short)

ME: HERE (pointing at the floor in front of me)

(he comes and stops, half grinning at me)

ME: Am I smiling?

him: No

ME: Why not?

him: Because you are being mean??? (peals of laughter double my son over)

Me: Busts out freakin laughing because I can't help it.

I can't help it my kids are heathens they are too damn funny to punish half the time. Witty little suckers know if they can make me laugh they can get away with almost anything!

Chief Butt-Wiper

I used to have a title for myself. Having two kids 15.5 months apart it seemed quite fitting that I should be known as Chief Butt-Wiper if you know what I mean. *wink*wink* And if you don't...well I mean POOP (she called the shit, poop! name that movie.) There is something incredibly liberating about finally being free of diapers.

I for one never thought the day would arrive. My son was just not having it. As the older of the two I knew that there was little chance of his shadow (aka Kenzie, aka Janie, aka Pumpkin Pie aka...) taking to it either. But finally one glorious day he just started going. She was fully independent within 6 months of him finally taking the plunge!

That day I went from Chief Butt-Wiper to Chief Messcleanerupper. Whatever do you mean you might ask? If he's advanced to The Big Potty then there should be no more messes. Right??? Wrong! Bradan in his exuberance of this new found grownup-ness decided to challenge me in ways I never thought possible.

For instance one day we have this exchange...

Bradan: I gotta potty!

Me: can you do it? Do you want me to go with you?

Bradan: I can do it by myself! (he proceeds to the bathroom...alone)

5 minutes roll by...there is some serious clanging and banging going on in the bathroom, I can't for the life of me figure out what my kid is doing in there that would cause this huge amount of racket...

Me: You need help? Are you all done???

Bradan: Nope, I'm still doing it.

Me...maybe I better go check....

this ladies and gentleman is what I found...




Oh yeah he went there, not only did he go there but a few days later I caught him doing it again only this time, he wasn't trying to PEE in the potty, instead he shat on my floor, from 3.5 feet in the air!

Random things at the Zoo

I should preface this by saying that with the likes of these two running around...



I am never shocked when I find or see random weird things. So let's just start off a regular little segment I like to call...

Random things at the Zoo...

So tonight I'm emptying the dishwasher, which like...I NEVER do. For some reason I don't mind putting dirty dishes in, but I hate taking clean dishes out? What is up with that???


But I digress, so I'm emptying the dishwasher and what do I find? A styrofoam plate. Yup, my darling Bradan apparently decided the green thing to do would be to recycle our styrofoam plates.

The weirdest thing? My dishwasher gets EXTREMELY HOT, I mean melt and warp plastic hot. Yet, the plate held up just fine. Pulled that bad boy out of there and put him back into the cabinet. Maybe the kid is onto something, I guess I owe him a 'prise.

PS...that is Bradan and Kenzie playing dress up. For the record, I have no idea what Kenzie is dressed up as, and no dad she did NOT get that from watching me.

All I need is the Air that I breathe...

and an internet connection, an IV of coca-cola and an unlimited supply of Triscuits. Oh ok, I also actually need television, air conditioning...who am I kidding? The older I get and the more I like to think that I am a pretty low maintenance chick the more I realize I'm not.

I try to be, but I think my low maintenance facade is more laziness than anything actually...benevolent. For instance I spend most days sans make-up and hair products. Why? Because it would involve time and effort to put it on. However I must admit when I do, it never takes me more than 5 minutes from start to finish. Again, too lazy to take care. I love that my husband tells me he likes me better without makeup, it gives me VALIDATION for my laziness and hey, who doesn't love a little validation?

I have made it a serious goal of mine to become LESS lazy. (Is that even good grammar?) I am spending less time on the computer and more time on my house and with my kids. I think I've been doing a pretty darn good job too. My laundry stays caught up, my floors get vacuumed and if the kids spill...ok well I still throw a towel over it until I am ready to get to it but we're taking baby steps here people. Baby steps.

I have tried to read more and watch TV less. Now that we're headed into football season I may have a hard time with that because besides being low maintenance in my dreams. I'm a HUGE football fan. I didn't even know what the heck the big deal was about football until 6 years ago but now I spend more time than the average American male in front of the TV, internet, and magazines watching or reading about football. But that, is a story for a different day!